Our Protective Force Field and the Discomfort of Self-Discovery
Self-discovery is uncomfortable. Yes, I said it. And yes, I realize that this is counterintuitive to the message that I am traditionally supposed to communicate. But as I tell the folx I work with, my approach is a realistic one and I too am a human who puts a galaxy size force field around myself when someone enlightens me with something about myself I put in a neat organized box labeled with “DO NOT GO THERE!”
Let’s get a few things clear, I encourage and guide folx towards self-discovery each day I sit in my therapist chair. I believe that building insight about how you got to where you are and why you feel what you feel is a mechanism for change, growth, and healing. I also believe, that when left to our own devices, we mistaken self-discovery with things like guilt and shame. How many times have you learned something about yourself, the way you behave, or why you feel the way you do and blamed yourself for that behaviour, personality trait, or feeling. Usually we end up feeling like we need to apologize to the world for our perceived flaws and deficits and end up in a hamster wheel of critical self-talk, maladaptive behaviours, and feeling all the negative feels. Sound familiar?
Let me help explain. This familiar pattern often takes place because we forget that all parts of self need compassion. Yes, even those parts that we put in tightly sealed boxes of the very back corners of dimly lit rooms. See, when we miss the step of giving validation, active listening, and compassion for the discomfort we feel in the journey of self-discovery and for all our parts of self, we end up denying appropriate space for our protective energy to be understood, respective, and loved.
What do I mean by protective energy? Well you see, as humans it is our innate reaction to protect ourselves from anything that threatens to disrupt our lives and us. And also because we are human, we have a lot of stuff throughout our life course that ends up disrupting our story, our nervous system, our emotions, and our understanding of self. So naturally, we develop protective mechanisms, or shields that defend us and help us work our way through these disruptions. These protective energies can come out in anxiety, eating disorders, obsessions, perfectionism, overachievement, and other parts of self. The protective energies albeit safe and comfortable, prevent us or block us from accessing our authentic self. Many of us know the feeling when we act in a certain way and end up scratching our heads in confusion asking, “why did I respond like that, when I really wanted to respond like this…?” That is usually a good sign that you are behaving out of protection instead of authenticity. And it is also usually the beginning of the hamster wheel of guilt, shame, and criticism I spoke on earlier.
This is why self-discovery is so uncomfortable. It’s a natural reaction to want to turn away from gaining self-awareness of our protective energies, because they are just that, protective and we want them to stay because like a good friend they have gotten us through so much. However, as protective as these parts of self are, they are also usually the parts that keep us stuck where we are, stuck in avoidance, stuck in eating disorder behaviours, stuck in living through inauthenticity, and stuck in living a life that once was. Working with these protective parts of self through compassion and validation can allow them to ease up and create space for new ways of being and connection with the mind, body, and soul. This can take a great deal of vulnerability, so it is important to work through this process with a trusted therapist who will work within your window of tolerance and safety. Doing so can allow you to slowly let down that galaxy size force field and break the seal of that box in a safe and trusted environment that guides you in moving towards the life you want, while giving respect and understanding to the life that you currently have and how it has held you and carried you to where you are now.
As always,
Breathe. Heal. Thrive.
